Video games have always had a logic all their own. Mario can fly when he finds a leaf that causes him to grow wings a raccoon tail. Get shot in Call of Duty? Forget doctors! That spray in your med kit patches bullet wounds right up. You can get away with basically anything in Grand Theft Auto if you just keep repainting your car. Lara Croft finds ancient tombs containing lit torches and machine gun upgrades despite the fact that no humans have set foot in them for centuries. And let’s not even get started on the string bikinis that somehow pass for female characters’ armor.
But for a lot of us, these kinds of things seem completely normal. If you were a child of the ’80s or ’90s, you likely grew up with video games, learning the rules of those worlds right alongside the rules of this one. Two plus two equals four, look both ways before crossing the street, and if you run into a bunch of enemies, it means you’re going the right way.
The Final Fantasy games are no exception to the video game laws of logic, and with well over 50 titles in the series (including prequels, sequels, spin-offs, and the main numbered series), there are tons of opportunities for those quirks of reasoning to shine through. So without further ado, here is a selection of 25 comics about Final Fantasy logic fails for your viewing pleasure. Hold on to your cerebrum!
25 Do Your Best!
The plot of Final Fantasy XV is pretty heavy stuff. While Prince Noctis is on the way to his wedding, his father is killed, his kingdom is invaded, his fiancée disappears, and enemy soldiers wait at every turn, ready to kill him. Noctis has been chosen by the Crystal; he’s the last hope of Ivalice. What should he do when all seems lost?
Clearly, the best course of action is to waste months and months hanging out with your friends, fishing, riding Chocobos, and eating Cup Noodles. As long as you don’t progress past Chapter 8 (or if you call Umbra after completing the game’s bummer of a second half), you can live the bachelor dream forever. And once you know what’s in store for Noct and company, then seriously, why wouldn’t you?
24 No Al Bhed Potion For You
In Final Fantasy X, the Al Bhed are a pariah tribe in the land of Spira. In addition to having their own language (you found all the primers, right?), they build and use machina against the teachings of Yevon and so are shunned. But Rikku (your Al Bhed party member), with her Steal, Mug, and Use commands, is an indispensable part of your team, especially once you get her legendary weapon, the Godhand.
One of the more awesome items Rikku can use is an Al Bhed potion, which restores 1000 HP to each party member, plus cures them of Poison, Stone, and Silence. One caveat, however: the only way to use an Al Bhed potion is with the Use command in battle. They can’t be used from the inventory screen like regular potions. Because, reasons.
23 Like A Chicken With Its Head Cut Off
All gamers recognize the signs of an upcoming boss battle. Things get quiet. Health items are conveniently lying around. There’s probably a save point. So once you spot these clues, it’s good to analyze whether you’re truly ready for the upcoming challenge. Sometimes it’s better to retreat momentarily and build your strength a bit more to increase your chances of success.
Final Fantasy games are built for grinding, but one of the series’ unique quirks is that you never see an enemy until you are literally on top of them. These are called Random Encounters, and when you are traveling on foot, it’s not a matter of if but when you’ll be hit with one (or several dozens) of these. So if you need to quickly bulk up for a boss fight, just run around and trigger a bunch of Random Encounters. You’ll be leveled up in no time.
22 It’s Best Not To Ask
This logic lapse isn’t necessarily specific to Final Fantasy. You can find it in all kinds of games, comics, cartoons, etc. Names like the Cave of No Return, the Pit of Doom, the Mountain of Certain Death, or whatever else you can think of along those lines have always been a favorite of storytellers for the instant drama that comes with them. This isn’t even a real mission in Final Fantasy I (although there are a lot of caves), but I like this comic, so I’m gonna run with it.
I’ve also always wondered: how did the party members get along in those early Final Fantasy games before Square Enix gave them personalities to go along with their classes? Do you think the Fighter and the Black Belt were bros? Also, how does a Thief grow into a Ninja? These are important questions.
21 Wardrobe Malfunction
One of the more controversial parts of Final Fantasy XII is its licensing system. Before you can use any magic, wield any weapon, wear any armor, or learn any skill, you first have to purchase a license for it. The License Board is just Final Fantasy XII’s vehicle for leveling up characters; all the newer Final Fantasy games have some version of this (Final Fantasy X has the Sphere Grid, Final Fantasy XIII has the Crystarium, Final Fantasy XV has the Astralsphere, etc.). But the License Board has always rubbed players the wrong way because you can do literally nothing without one. Plus when you think about it, it’s really, really stupid. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you got a license for that ribbon, hotshot?
20 Delusions Of Grandeur
It’s Storytelling 101: At the beginning of your tale, your protagonist must have a problem, a character fault of some kind, and throughout the course of your story (especially a long, epic story like in Final Fantasy games), your character changes and grows through their experiences. This is called their character arc. There are variations on this framework, of course, but the key is that you must start with a flawed hero.
If you play enough Final Fantasy games, you start to notice that their male characters are flawed. Like, really flawed. They’re pretty much always smokin’ hot, but their attitudes aren’t always that great. Sometimes they’re a little crazy. And intelligence? It’s never really been their strong suit. How are we gonna save Gaia from the Meteor?! I don’t know, but at least I’ve got a really big sword!
19 You Need To Reevaluate Your Priorities
One of the greatest parts of Final Fantasy XV is its massive, completely open-world map (okay, navigating the actual map in-game leaves something to be desired, but that’s a whole other topic). Everywhere you walk, run, ride, or drive, there is something to be found, whether you’re mining ore, foraging for dinner, or hunting fiends. Items of interest have a shining marker above them to help you find them, and after you’ve been gone from an area for a while, some items will respawn, which means you can essentially pick those same Leiden Peppers for all eternity. So if you’re driving around and see a shining marker off to the side of the road, it’s always in your best interest to check it out. Who can blame Noctis if his passengers never wear seatbelts?
18 Can You Hear Me Now?
A lot of the time video game quests seem to be little more than a list of random errands that need to be completed. And of course, before you can even start the quest, someone has to give it to you, which usually must happen in person (again, because, reasons). In Final Fantasy MMOs (which usually have huge maps), Linkpearls serve as cell phone-like communication devices, allowing characters to talk to each other over great distances. Such devices could be used to give out quests and info regardless of where the player is on the world map, but apparently, that’s against Final Fantasy rules or something. It’s basically the equivalent of if you were studying abroad, and your mom called you to come home in order to tell you to take out the trash.
17 Wait Your Turn!
Turn-based game play is one of the hallmarks of the Final Fantasy franchise (though newer titles have moved away from it to the mixed feelings of longtime fans). Depending on certain conditions or stats that are present when the battle begins (and depending on which Final Fantasy you’re playing), the battle proceeds with only one character acting at a time, each during their turn. It’s a style of gameplay that demands patience, strategy, and focus, but when you stop to think about it, it’s pretty absurd. I feel confident in saying that no conflict in the history of the world has ever been settled this way. “Oh no, that fiend is attacking me with its poisonous fangs! But it’s not my turn, so I guess I’ll just stand here and take it.”
16 What’s The Worst That Could Happen?
Sometimes it’s not easy being a female character in Final Fantasy. Your homelands are pretty much always in trouble. You’ve got to wear some ridiculous outfits. You get taken, betrayed, and orphaned. But sometimes, it gets even worse than that. I mean, imagine being the only person in all of the Final Fantasy universes that a Phoenix Down won’t revive. Those are incredible odds. If only you’d played the lottery when you were still, you know, ALIVE. But on the other hand, what if you fell in love with a guy, and he had a prehensile tail? Love is blind, but is it that blind? Yet I supposed we all do stupid things for love, such as participating in that infamously cringe-worthy Laughing Scene. Maybe we can all agree to just pretend that one never happened?
15 How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days
Final Fantasy VIII’s protagonist Squall Leonhart is the prototypical dark, brooding, aloof hero. With his black leather jacket, his sulking teenage pout, and his signature “whatever” reply, he’s basically the Final Fantasy version of James Dean, if James Dean had a gunblade. Zell, Rinoa, and the other characters spend the game trying help Squall overcome his fear of getting close to others. Squall says he remains distant because he is afraid of loving someone only to lose them, but is that the whole story? Some of his party members are more difficult to get close to than others. For example, take Quistis, the Blue Mage. Blue Mages have the ability to learn attacks from fiends, which makes them valuable party members, but maybe not great best friends (unless you have a lot of TicTacs).
14 Showing Some Skin
If history has shown us anything, it’s that game developers think going into battle half-dressed is a good idea. Just think of Nariko from Heavenly Sword, Shahdee from Prince of Persia, or Mika from Street Fighter. I can’t think of a single thing wrong with dressing for combat the way I would dress for the beach. Oh, wait a minute, yes, I can. Fortunately or unfortunately, the Final Fantasy games are not exempt from this trend. Just for starters, there’s Goddess from Final Fantasy VI, Shiva in a reoccurring role, or Fran, the long-eared Viera warrior from Final Fantasy XII. Sure, there are a few bare-chested guys from time to time, but it’s not really what you’d call a balanced equation. Let someone else show some skin for a change!
13 The New Cid
Over the last 30 years, the Cid character has become as fundamental to the Final Fantasy series as Chocobos. Almost every single game has some version of a Cid, usually an older, male NPC mechanic. If there’s an airship to be unlocked, he’s the one you’ll need. Final Fantasy XV took a different approach with the new Cid, however, giving us the scantily clad Cindy (granddaughter of the usual Cid) to fix the Regalia. This caused quite a lot of controversy, but mostly it’s because her outfit is so gratuitous (maybe if she wore a shirt, she wouldn’t be so cold as to need a jacket?). Her relationship with the guys is treated very innocently in the game; only Prompto develops a chaste crush on her, and it’s that dissonance between her appearance and her character that’s left many fans scratching their heads.
12 Spira’s Got Talent
Final Fantasy X is arguably one of the best titles in the series. As the story of a group of friends trying to defeat a monster named Sin and save the land of Spira, it has everything you could ask for in an epic adventure. It’s got danger, excitement, love, loss, humor, self-sacrifice, and Blitzball (okay, maybe we could do without the Blitzball). It’s the complete gaming package. So if you’re anything like me, when you popped in your disc of Final Fantasy X-2 for the first time, you were giddy with anticipation. But it quickly turned into “WTF is this” disbelief. Yuna’s a pop star? You fight fiends by changing outfits? Did the game developers play the same Final Fantasy X that the rest of us did? I know many people like X-2, but you have to admit: as a sequel, it’s way out of left field.
11 Red XIII Is An Unlucky Number
Released in 1997, Final Fantasy VII (another contender for the title of best in the series) features the biggest gut-wrenching twist of any Final Fantasy game, and fans have been talking about it ever since. If by some strange miracle you really don’t know what it is yet, this is your last chance to turn away. When Sephiroth suddenly stabs Aeris straight through the heart, and the game forces you to keep battling next to her body with her theme music playing in the background…well, let’s just say an animated character hasn’t made us cry so much since Mufasa met that wildebeest stampede.
Of course, with the upcoming Final Fantasy VII remaster, I’d wager nearly all players will already know Aeris’ fate. Will Square Enix try to sucker punch us in other ways? Guess we’ll have to wait and see.
10 They Grow Up So Fast
Final Fantasy games, like pretty much every RPG in existence, follow a set formula: your characters are weak in the beginning, but as they progress through the game, completing quests and winning battles, they improve their stats and grow strong.
During the early stages of an RPG, the struggle is real. Barely surviving even the simplest battles. Getting poisoned when you don’t have an antidote. Trying to scrape together 300 gil for a new sword. But gradually, and sometimes without you even really noticing, all of that changes. You find yourself ridiculously over-leveled. You can afford literally anything the game has to offer, and you’ve maxed your inventory accordingly. Once you reach that state, it’s fun to go back to past areas of the game, for old times’ sake, to crush a few of the fiends that used to give you so much trouble (looking at you, Elementals).
9 Eat Up!
If you had to nominate someone for Weirdest Final Fantasy Character Ever, you might consider Quina from Final Fantasy IX. Quina is a Qu, a genderless race whose main focus in life is finding new things to eat. With a strange appearance and a broken English dialect, Quina is mainly treated as comic relief, a vaguely Jar-Jar Binks-esque character. However, as a Blue Mage, Quina is also a valuable member of the party. Being culinarily-minded, naturally, Quina eats enemies to learn their attacks, but Quina eats a lot of other things, too. “World only have two things: things you can eat and things you no can eat,” Quina even says at one point. So if you notice some stuff has gone missing, I have an idea of where it might be…
8 It’s Not Easy Being NPC
In video games, players can essentially run around like little gods: that virtual world, quite literally, revolves around us. And we treat it like a playground, breaking barrels, stealing from chests, and basically leaving a trail of destruction and chaos in our wakes. And all of this is done without any regard for the individuals who live there. Sure, they’re just NPCs (Non-Player Characters), and the vast majority of them have no impact on the game at all. They’re filler; their job is to take up space. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t have any feelings. Maybe the game doesn’t revolve around us after all. Maybe when we log out, the NPCs get together to gripe about us. There may even be some sort of Tron-type uprising in the works.
7 Keep On Your Toes!
Sometimes the Random Encounters in Final Fantasy can be really stressful. You can’t see them coming, and there’s no way to avoid them (unless you’re lucky enough to have an accessory with No Encounters on it), so it’s understandable if the whole thing makes you a bit jumpy, especially if you’re short on health or time and are just holding your breath, praying you make it to a save point in one piece. And spoiler alert: those Random Encounters always seem to come at the exact worst time, making you wonder how truly random they really are.
But here’s a weird thought: what if the fiends aren’t really out hunting us? What if the whole concept of Random Encounters makes them just as jumpy as we are? Mind = blown.
6 Going Down
Final Fantasy XIII stands out among other titles in the series due to its linear storyline. For basically 2/3 of the game, players are moved along from scene to scene, encounter to encounter, without any opportunity for exploration or side quests. For the final 1/3, the game releases you into an open world, and you can progress however you please.
There are some advantages to a linear storyline: players don’t get bogged down with 8 million side quests early in the game (which can be overwhelming) and don’t have to worry about being over- or under-leveled for encounters. Final Fantasy fans were clear, however; they want their open world back. After a huge opening day, sales tanked by over a million units in the second week. Though a second-week drop is pretty normal, this was more like walking the plank.
