There’s an episode of How I Met Your Mother where Barney Stinson explains “The Ewok Line,” his theory of why the fuzzy little Endor-dwellers are so divisive among Star Wars fans: Anyone born before May 25, 1973, saw the Ewoks as a bid to attract children, and thus they hate them. Anyone born after that date was young enough to love the walking teddy bears and their primitive slapstick humor. And while there are outliers in every data set, anecdotally I’ve found this explanation to be eerily accurate.
With this in mind, I’d like to propose a new line: “The Prequel Line.” Anyone born before May 16, 1989, will hate the Star Wars prequels as shoddy, CGI abominations compared with the beloved original trilogy. Anyone born after that date will love the prequels for their cartoony action, bad acting, and infamous dialogue (I guess you can tell which side of the Prequel Line I fall on). I’m extremely interested to see how well this theory holds up.
Let’s test it: How do you feel about CGI Yoda vs puppet Yoda? Do you prefer the original version because it demonstrated the filmmakers’ skill in creating a life-like character with the technology that was available in 1980? Or do you like the new Yoda just because he does flips? Answer that, and I bet I can tell you exactly where you fall on the Prequel Line.
Still not convinced? Let’s test this theory further with these 25 prequel logic comics, shall we?
25 Panic Button
Anakin and Padme’s relationship has always been super weird. They meet on Tattooine when Anakin is just ten years old. But that doesn’t stop him from falling head over heels for her, despite the fact that she’s 18. That part I totally get. But what has never made any sense to me is how Padme ever begins to love him back, especially once it becomes clear that the sweet-faced little do-gooder has been basically run-over by the teenage angst truck.
Case in point: “You’re exactly the way I remember you in my dreams.” I mean, who says that? Definitely not the kind of creeper who has thought of you and only you for the last decade and who probably, maybe, doesn’t have a basement all ready to go to keep you prisoner. Forever. Aggressively pushes panic button
24 Absitively Posolutely
In episode three, Obi-wan tells Anakin, “Only a Sith deals in absolutes.” From the perspective of the Jedi, the Sith see the world in extremes, which is one way they justify their violent behavior. But anyone who stops to think about it for two seconds can see that even with the Jedi, when it comes to absolutes, it’s a case of the pot and the kettle.
The Jedi only allow for a Light Side and a Dark Side to the Force, and anyone who dares dabble in the Dark Side is banished from the Jedi.
How realistic is that, exactly?
We are gray people living in a big gray galaxy. No one is ever all good or all evil, and forcing people to adhere to narrow codes of conduct does nobody any favors. Can’t we all just sit down at Dex’s Diner for a bantha burger and talk things over?
23 Midichlorian Madness
“Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes.” - Master Yoda
If you grew up watching the original Star Wars trilogy, the primary knowledge you had about the Force came from Yoda’s teachings. We viewed it as a powerful, mysterious, spiritual phenomenon that permeated everyone and everything.
But then came the prequels, and all that changed. Now suddenly the Force is something you test with a chemistry set. It’s about genetics, which reduces the population to the Haves and the Have-Nots. Where the Force was once a spiritual power with the potential to touch the lives of everyone in the galaxy, now it’s basically microbes. And some people still can’t figure out why older Star Wars fans aren’t buying it.
22 The Kids Are Alright
You know how in school, you would always ask your teacher what possible use you would ever have in real life for algebra, and they would insist that you absolutely NEEDED to know it? As it turns out, you don’t need algebra at all, or many other subjects that we were relentlessly tested on. I mean, do you still know all the American presidents or do you just use Google? (Who are we kidding? You just use Google.)
So what if 90% of the Jedi Academy is useless?
Clearly, all those years of education and training made Anakin into a very formidable bad guy as Darth Vader, but that didn’t stop him from being bested by a newbie farm boy. I’m not saying education isn’t important, but if we agree that curriculum should be results-based, the Jedi Academy is not looking very good right now.
21 Green Machine
Think of the greatest movies of the ’70s and ’80s: the Back to the Future series, the Indiana Jones series, Alien and Aliens, Jaws, etc. Now consider that these amazing films were made almost completely using practical effects. That makes them even cooler in my mind. Yes, green screens were in use (for example, think of the 1982 movie Tron), but until CGI could catch up, they were primarily used in practical ways.
George Lucas cut his teeth in this practical FX school of filmmaking, so it completely shocked longtime fans when they walked into a prequel showing and were essentially drowned in CGI. I guess we should’ve known better considering Lucas already retconned the original trilogy with all the CGI toys he didn’t have available at the time (which amounts to heresy, in my opinion).
20 Separation Of Church And State
Many countries (such as Australia, the United States, France, etc.) have laws separating church and the state. Although in America, this was begun simply because the Protestants didn’t like being told that they had to be Catholic, so one could make arguments about how separate they truly are. But as time has gone on and the world has become more connected (thus bringing people into contact with more members of various religions than they were before), many nations have seen just how valuable such laws are.
Not so the Jedi, apparently.
This whole notion of “it’s okay for me to force my beliefs on others because I’m RIGHT” is something they really embrace in the prequels. And yet, they’re the heroes of the movies! Wonder what those ancient Jedi texts on Ahch-To have to say about that.
19 Higher Ground
I don’t know about you, but for me, one of The Phantom Menace’s greatest disappointments was Darth Maul. For months, he was a key part in the film’s marketing campaign; on every poster, on every lunch box, there was Darth Maul glaring back at you, promising to be an exciting new villain. Yet in the movie, he’s on screen for maybe five minutes, during which he says like three words, and then before you know it, his bifurcated body is plunging into the generator melting pit, never to be seen again. Audiences everywhere felt cheated. Seriously?! This was the epic antagonist we waited so long for?! If only there was a current day example I could use to put it in perspective (cough Captain Phasma cough).
18 Just Do It
One of the major problems with writing a story where you already know the ending is that it can sometimes be difficult to get to that end in believable ways. Things happen simply because they are supposed to happen, not always because they make sense or because it’s the natural course of the story.
In the prequels, we already know before they even start that Anakin has to turn evil by the end.
And it’s his character’s awkward transition from cherubic little boy to whining young man to youngling slasher that has always bothered me. It has always seemed forced, simply a means to an end. Perhaps that’s why it’s so easy for Anakin to throw away a lifetime of walking in the light and pull a complete 180 at the slightest suggestion, but it gives me whiplash just trying to follow his logic.
17 Anakin No
It’s nice to imagine that Obi-wan and Anakin truly cared about each other. When you think about it, their relationship was not something neither chose. Obi-wan didn’t want an apprentice, and Anakin didn’t want to leave his mother. Yet little Ani abandons everything he knows to fly away with this strange man, and just ten years later, he’s grown into a brooding, somewhat unhinged, sinister-eyed creep. What the heck happened during those ten years?! Just how bad is Obi-wan at raising children? I can almost picture the conversation later on regarding what to do with infant Luke and Leia…
“Leia will go to Alderaan. Should we leave Luke here on Tatooine with Obi-wan?”
awkward pause
“Um, no. Obi-wan’s…done enough. Let’s give Luke to his uncle and aunt. That will be…safer.”
Comic by Shorelle.
16 Check Your Math
This is another area where the Jedi’s hypocritical condemnation of absolutes came back to bite them in the rear. Despite being the dominant side in the Light vs Dark contest, the Jedi still fear the Sith. They jump at shadows, searching every corner of the galaxy whenever they get wind of one. They long for the day that the Chosen One will bring balance to the Force, and of course, they assume that means their side will win.
What are the Jedi so afraid of?
Can you really not handle the odd Sith here and there with 10,000 Jedi at your disposal? It kind of makes you wonder if Yoda wasn’t lying when he answered Luke’s question, “Is the Dark Side stronger?” in the negative. Did he always believe Luke was choosing the losing side, but he didn’t want to admit it?
15 Musical Chairs
Hang on, it’s happening again. I’ve got whiplash from trying to follow Anakin’s jump to the Dark Side. I mean, you see it, right? These kinds of memes are funny because his actions are just so extreme! Who decides to slice up a dozen or so kids on their first day of being evil? Shouldn’t you start small, maybe cut in line at the supermarket or ignore that old lady who needs help crossing the street? Heck, you could even go for the really tough stuff and refuse to play with a lonely puppy. But no, Anakin skips the villain training wheels and goes straight for the advanced material. And clearly, he wasn’t ready for graduate level evil because he wound up doused in lava. This is what happens when you think you can conquer the universe in just one day, Padawan.
14 Head To Head
Take a long look at this comic. This is the truest thing I have ever seen, especially that last panel. It completely verifies the Phantom Line. Silly and over the top may appeal to the Saturday morning cartoon crowd, but does it really belong in a beloved space western with an already established tone? (That’s a rhetorical question; the answer is no.)
But on the other hand, Rogue One is the Star Wars movie we deserved.
Okay, it’s not perfect. A lot of people were creeped out by CGI Grand Moff Tarkin, as well as how the filmmakers used leftover footage from A New Hope in the battle on Scarif. But overall, when it comes to sympathetic characters, pacing, and memorable action sequences, Rogue One is light years ahead of anything the prequels can offer.
13 Master Chef
When Attack of the Clones was released, my sisters and I went to see it together. At Anakin’s line, “One day, I will become the greatest Jedi EVER!” we burst out laughing so loudly that we were shushed by many angry theatergoers. We just couldn’t help it. It was such a silly, childish line! And that moment really sums up my feelings about Anakin, which are much the same as my feelings toward Kylo Ren: how does anyone take this whiny kid seriously?
I mean, I know they’re responsible for a lot of fatalities in the films, but it has always felt fake to me. Like overreach. Anakin and Kylo will never be the fearsome villains that Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine were (yes, I know Anakin becomes Darth Vader; I’m talking as a single-film antagonist). Now, short-order cooks–that I find believable.
12 Evil Eyes
In a lot of ways, you can’t blame the Jedi for not seeing Anakin’s turn to the Dark Side before it happened. It was just so sudden and so extreme. But on the other hand, how could they NOT see it coming?! Even in The Revenge of the Sith, Anakin has the emotional maturity of a 13-year-old and, thanks to the Jedi, all the skills of a warlord.
What could possibly go wrong?
Darth Vader was terrifying precisely because he seemed emotionless. So how on earth did angsty Anakin transform into Vader? Did that lava burn his feelings away? It must’ve, because years of Jedi training and discipline didn’t teach him to control his emotions, yet turning to the Dark Side (which is known for anger and impulsiveness) did? Yeah, okay, sure.
11 Red Flags
Oh, Padme. What were you thinking? There were just one or two or ten thousand red flags that should’ve clued you in that Anakin might not be the right way to go. But I suppose we can’t judge her too harshly. Everybody’s made a few mistakes in their dating life–the ones where everything goes horribly wrong, and your friends can’t help but say, “I told you so” as they spoon feed you cookie dough.
And when you think about it, Padme probably never really had a chance to just let loose and do something dumb. She was elected Queen of Naboo at age 14, which I’m sure meant she had fairly hefty political involvement for years even before that. Then she went right from being queen to being a senator. No prom, no drivers ed, no adolescence. Perhaps she deserved to make a mistake.
10 Copy Cat
It’s fun to watch the evolution of the choreography of lightsaber duels in the Star Wars movies. Starting with A New Hope, it kind of just looked like a pair of old men waving sticks at each other. But then The Empire Strikes Back gave us our first taste of a real duel, and Return of the Jedi built on it even further.
But then came the prequels, and I gotta give them credit.
They had some tail-kicking lightsaber duels. The Duel of the Fates in The Phantom Menace is the highlight of the film (despite Darth Maul’s disappointing exit), so it kind of makes you wonder: why did the filmmakers try to reuse that same move of somersaulting over an opponent? Was it homage or are they really trying to say that Anakin’s not clever enough to be original?
9 All You Need Is Love
By now, it’s pretty well-known Star Wars lore that in The Empire Strikes Back, Han Solo’s famous reply to Princess Leia when she says she loves him was not scripted. Actor Harrison Ford ad-libbed it, and it was so perfect, so cool, and unexpected and novel, that the scene has resonated with audiences ever since.
Maybe Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen should’ve taken a page out of Ford’s book, because the romantic dialogue that passes between them is just so gawd-awful. If someone told me, “I’ve been [perishing] a little bit each day since you came back into my life,” I’d squint at them and answer, “So falling in love with me is like perishing? Um, thank you?” Then I’d go get a bunch of cats because dating is obviously a concept I don’t understand.
8 Let’s Make A Deal
So let me get your opinion: how long was Obi-wan going to let Luke continue living in blissful ignorance on Tatooine? Was he ever planning on telling him about his heritage and training him as a Jedi? Or was he just going to let Luke follow his friends to the academy and then pat himself on the back for a job well done because the kid wasn’t offed on his watch? But then when Luke came looking for him, Obi-wan seized on the chance.
Was he secretly relieved when Luke turned down his offer?
He gracefully tells the boy, “You must do what you feel is right, of course.” Perhaps he was simply confident that Luke would come around in time. On the other hand, maybe he was thinking, “Thank the Force! Your father was a handful! I’m too old to do that again!”
7 Kidding Around
The memes always come back to this moment: when the boy who once proclaimed, “I will even learn how to stop people from [perishing]” throws it all away at the slightest urging. I know I’ve said it before, but it’s just such an extreme reaction that audiences even now are trying to make sense of it. But maybe it’s not so simple as it seems on the surface.
What if Anakin’s abrupt turn to the Dark Side was actually years and years in the making? What if Obi-wan was actually the secret Sith all this time (I know he wasn’t, but work with me here)? If Obi-wan was slowly poisoning Anakin’s mind during the whole time he was training him, it would actually explain everything perfectly! How else can you reconcile that idealistic young podracer with the psycho he became?
6 Why You No Liking Us?
There may be an Ewok Line, but I doubt there was ever a Jar Jar Line. Or if there was, it cuts off after the person turns 5 years old.
When was the last time a character was so universally hated?
And I’m not talking hated in the villain sense, like how everyone hates Professor Umbridge because she’s a really despicable antagonist. No, despite being one of the good guys, Jar Jar is annoying, puerile, and a bit offensive. He started his Star Wars career as comic relief for the kiddos, but after massive backlash, he was basically relegated to the role of background extra number 27 by the time Revenge of the Sith rolled around. Does Jar Jar deserve his exile? Let mee-sa think about it… Yes, he does.
